Re-Discovering My Self-Love

Navigating Energy, Awareness, and Transformation

Lately, I’ve been wrestling with this cloudy and pervasive sense of energy that seems tied to my entire being. It’s as if every cell in my body holds a part of it, a deeply ingrained memory or learned pattern. Trying to dissolve this energy is unfamiliar and challenging. It feels like I’m trying to untangle something woven into the fabric of who I am.

When I sit with this awareness, it’s overwhelming. The feeling resides deep in my belly, dark and heavy. It carries memories of despair and vulnerability so intense they take my breath away. I don’t want to revisit that space—it’s uncomfortable, even terrifying. Yet, I know this energy holds something important.

The Fear of Letting Go

Dissolving this energy feels like dissolving a part of myself. I fear losing my tools, my defenses, and the things that have helped me survive. If I let go of this pain, will I lose the drive it gave me? Will I lose the creativity that once emerged from it?

A part of me clings to this feeling because it catalyzed change in my life. It pushed me to make bold, life-altering decisions—to leave environments that crushed my soul, to fight for myself when no one else would. That pain taught me to love myself in a strange way.

But another part of me knows this isn’t the only way to grow or create. Change doesn’t have to come from suffering. There are countless other paths and other catalysts. While it once served me, this energy no longer needs to define me. I’m not letting go of myself—I’m letting go of the attachment to a single narrative, to a single source of transformation.

Frustration with the Process

The process of dissolving this energy is frustrating. It feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable, like trying to focus on everything and nothing simultaneously. It requires me to sit with feelings I’d rather avoid to reintroduce them into my energy system, even when they scare me.

I’m also frustrated with the limits of language—the way specific phrases and frameworks shape our understanding. Why does transformation have to feel so linear or one-dimensional? Why does healing feel like such a climb, as though we’re constantly striving for something we can’t quite grasp?

But I’m learning that transformation can be multifaceted. Healing doesn’t have to look one way. Alchemy, in its truest sense, is infinite. There are countless ways to dissolve and transmute pain into something lighter, something freer.  The conservation of energy teaches us the same lesson. 

The Catalyst for Change

That deep despair I once felt, that loneliness—those were the moments I realized I needed to take care of myself. They were the catalysts that pushed me to escape environments that were crushing me and make choices for my survival.

But it also led me down darker paths. For years, I sought escape through substances, unhealthy habits, and fleeting connections. I craved love and validation from others because I couldn’t give it to myself. And yet, even in those moments, I was searching for something real, something meaningful.

I’ve always had a special connection with love. Even when I was lost, I couldn’t settle for shallow interactions. Love, for me, had to be genuine. It had to matter. Perhaps that’s because, deep down, I knew the love I was receiving from others was something I needed to give myself.  I needed to see for myself that I was deserving of even self-love.

Rediscovering Self-Love

Now, I’m in a different place. I’m learning to sit with myself, forgive myself, and love myself—not for what I’ve achieved but for who I am in this moment. The journey isn’t about erasing the past or rejecting the pain. It’s about recognizing its role in my growth while allowing myself to move forward without being tethered.

There’s a balance between holding onto the lessons and releasing the weight of the emotions tied to them. I’m not losing myself by letting go of this energy—I’m creating space for something new.

The process is slow, but that’s okay. Healing is not a race. It’s an unfolding, a gradual shift in awareness and a deepening of self-understanding.